Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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