pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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