You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
