Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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