wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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