I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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