I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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