Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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