2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
