I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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