I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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