they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
