Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
