I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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