"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
