my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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