On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
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Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
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The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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