The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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