btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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