So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
