He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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