I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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