Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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