btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
