i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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