You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
