I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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