I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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