Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
