i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
