My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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