I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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