hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize