is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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