In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
tell me about the fingering
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
