so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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