A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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