My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
