peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My ATM looks so different sober.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
