i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
