youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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