you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
