you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
