ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
