and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
