im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
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Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
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Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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