I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
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