dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
