Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
