I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
