R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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