I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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