the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
