If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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