she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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